Warrior's Pledge 

I wrote this in September 2017 as a promise to myself to continue marching forwards on my journey of healing.


It has finally occurred to me that to embark on my journey towards healing, I could no longer live a double life... I could no longer hide behind the closet and carry my secret everywhere I go.

In order for more attention to be given to find the cure for Lupus, I need to be able to share openly the struggles and pain that everyone who lives with it have to go through every single day. Without an open voice, there is no chance of knowledge, no chance of awareness, no chance of cure; no chance for my future...

There is more than meet the eyes.....

I live a normal life. I work, drive, meet my friends, spend time with my family, travel... that's how it looks like from the outside. There is nothing that look wrong with me... and this is where it is so so wrong...

I suffer from Lupus; a condition where my immune system becomes highly reactive, unable to recognise "self" and start attacking every single cells in my own body - nothing left behind... the bloods, the joints, the hair, the skin, all the internal organs, the brain, the eyes, the glands... you name it... Lupus own it.

I work very hard to look like I live a normal life every. single. day.

From the moment I wake up, I feel my whole body aches... muscle and joint pains. Come noon time, struggling to stay focus from the brain fog I start to develop migraines. When stress level goes high; emotionally, mentally and intellectually, I experience chills and low grade fever... a few itchy nerves spot start swelling up on my skin. Depending on the luck of the draw on that day, I could be free of joint and muscle pain (these are the super good, pain-free days I always look forward to)... These are really just a few things that are going on at the same time on a given day.

I realise one thing as I lie down in the dark feeling the loneliness and isolation of the disease that has became my cross to bear...

In the pitch black silence, I heard my own heart beat.

It is beating so strongly; pumping blood all over my body; repairing, healing, keeping me alive - no matter how sick everything else is.

And so, this is my promise... my pledge to myself...

For as long as my heart beats,

I will show up.

I will turn up even in my weak, diseased, slowly decaying 28 years old body...

I will turn up as mediocre and imperfect as I am.

For as long as my heart beats,

I will live. I will live with Lupus, I will live with the consequences of being judge and discriminated because of my disability...

For as long as my heart beats,

I will turn up with my battered, bruised body...

Because nothing hurts more than self-inflicting wounds... because nothing can be more demeaning than denying myself of my own dreams, of health, of romance, of love... nothing anyone else say or do can be more hurtful than what I have denied for myself all my life...

For as long as my heart beats,

I will live truthfully; truly, fully.